Over the past year of Stewarding thousands of races I have witnessed many different reasons for not finishing a race. Over time, the standard excuses starting getting old so I have begun making up my own to add a little humor to it all...
He left his brain in San Francisco - This is the excuse I give to those that show up to an event without a single moment of research. The driver tends to DNF early in the race. He also happens to be the person asking questions such as; "Anyone have a setup I can use?" and "How many laps is this race?".
Real men don't ask for directions - This excuse is reserved for the drivers that like to come to a race without ever having turned a single lap on track. Turn-1 of lap-1 is usually the time of the DNF as the driver says out loud, "You brake there?". Unfortunately, there is usually one or two others that are answering that question after being taken out by the original driver.
Called to active 'Dootie' - We have all been here from time to time. Nature calls at the worst of times, and in the middle of a sim-race is no exception. The driver that can not hold it any longer must decide between a soiled pair of daisy dukes or a DNF to answer the call of dootie.
Slipped on his own ego - These are my favorite. The driver that after only 2 laps into a 100 lap race has a half lap lead. Instead of going on to an easy race win, he decides to show off by attempting to set a new track record only to find himself nose deep in a concrete wall as the field passes him by.
The hyper-puppy (aka as "Ritalin Kid") - We all know these drivers; the driver that is so anxious to pass that he doesn't bother to wait for a realistic opportunity, he just stuffs his nose in at the very next corner ending with the other driver wrecking. He usually ends up finding a target that is not as easily punted off track and ends his day alone and in a ball of flames in the sand trap. This driver has a "Sorry" quick-chat in place and it gets used. He also has other quick-chat buttons programmed for "WTF?!" and "/Vote kick..." for when he is on the receiving end of the "hyper-puppy" maneuver.
Spin = Go faster - After just spinning at that last corner and losing 10 seconds to his competition, this driver continues on with the mindset "now that I lost 10 seconds, I need to go faster to make up for it". This driver spins again at the very next corner and the mindset changes once again, "Now I have to go even faster!". This driver usually DNFs within another 2 to 3 laps of the first spin.
No cop / No stop - How many of us treat the red-light or stop sign as a "slow down but dont stop" sign in our daily driving? Yep, the same happens in sim-racing too. That big red-light at the end of pit lane does not let you get away with it though. Automatic DQ for running that red light, as many have learned the hard way.
Had a leaky diaper - You may think this is the same as being called to "dootie" but it is not. This excuse is given to the drivers who start a race without some vital information; Fuel consumption estimate. This driver usually DNFs on the final lap of the race, sometimes within sight of the checkered flag, and then realizes that the fuel consumption numbers in the sim is not accurate. Even more sad, this driver tends to make the mistake again next week.
Color blind - This driver ignores the Yellow flag being waived only to find the track blocked and joins the heap of mangled cars in a group-DNF.
Un-Aqua man - After spending 15 hours practicing for the GTR2 Endurance race, this driver neglects to turn a single lap in wet weather conditions. As Murphy's Law would have it, the track will be flooded come race-day and this driver will spin 3 times before getting off the grid. Another variation to this is the driver forgetting to install wet weather tires on his car before starting the race even though the track was clearly wet.
Cold War flashback - This driver takes it upon himself to push the big red button (ESC) out of frustration and fear, saving all humanity the pain and agony of dodging his mangled car.